Uncle Terryisms

I've got a crazy uncle. Not crazy in the way that requires medications or straitjackets, but just crazy in the way he views the world and other people. Don't get me wrong - I love the guy. He's an old cowboy, born and raised in Cache Valley with no intention to leave. He's a chain-smokin' rodeo ropin' champion, and can put "knots on your head faster than you can rub 'em," as he would say.

I just spent the last three days with he and his wife Maxine (who, by the way, is a saint just for putting up with that old son of a gun) on a fishing trip out in the middle-of-nowhere Wyoming. I got there late Monday night, and it only took me about an hour of talking to him before I realized that I needed to jot down some of his memorable quotes, which I now call "Uncle Terryisms". So I did, and I've brought them home for everyone to enjoy.

Now, keep in mind that some walk that fine line of profane and humorous, but you've just got to remember where they're coming from, that ole' dirty bugger.


(Read in a cowboy tone: raspy, drawled, and serious as hell)

1. "Jackson, I can guaran-damn-tee it!"

2. "What the God?!"

3. "Yeah, China's nice, but it's hotter than a $2 pistol over there."

4. "You can pick your nose and you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your relatives."

5. "I don't buy that shit about secondhand smoke."

6. Terry: Richmond is getting too big for me.
Jackson: Really?
Terry: Yeah. It's got a stop light now.

7. "Hallelujah, praise the Lord and pass the chicken!"

8. "That Al Gore's a lyin' sonuvabitch."

This is as close as I could get to him with a camera - seriously.